it's juz a few more hours to go...

i wonder how it'll turn out.



so what? i'm human too u noe.
n YES... finally i'm letting go... i dun wish to hurt any1 further. it has alwaes been my one-sided persistence to hold on. but now, i've finally decided to let it go. guess i only saw reality now. u said it could nv happen, but i was foolish n refused to believe. thus, i decided to give it a try. BUT there were no results. i could not bring myself to face tis issue... i dun noe y, but i juz couldn't... it has been a while since u gave up on me... but only now, i accept it as a fact.

n tis is wad u call REALITY. hopes r all dashed, possibilities r all ruled out. n yea... it's my fault. i juz carn find the time to make miracles happen. i'm tired of putting so much effort into tis, when it doesn't even reap anyting. mayb, juz mayb, miracles WOULD happen if i carried on persisting... but i've lost hope. i've lost the will to carry on wif tis. evry step i take to get closer to u, u juz take a step away too, makin no difference at all. i'm exhausted wif tis 1 way ting...

ok... mayb i haf been selfish. n perhaps i failed to understand tt u had ur own life. but i've finally realized tt u wuld be so much beta n happier without me interfering. i noe wad i shud do now. n i m makin tt move now. but i can NEVER deny the fact tt u r still in my mind. until the day tt u've totally forgotten abt me, then will i start erasing u off my memory. but till then, u will alwaes stay deep in my mind...


m i really being selfish?
or r u juz not being receptive?

issit my mistakes?
or ur avoidance?

n if i'm gonna juz giv it a last try...
would u stay where u are n let me get closer?
or carry on wif the rejection?



shud i try? or shud i juz face reality?
as i slowly pluck the petals off the flower, i wonder wad the last petal would represent...

---------------------------------------------------------------------


NOW...
life is getting bad... real bad...

haf not been studying for so many recent tests...
not doin my hw, n got the teachers to let me hand in at a later date...
goin late for my cca...
dozing off in almost all lessons.
HAIX....

n so i haf decided to finish off those hw using tis weekend... but unfortunately, tml is a whole day filled wif scouts stuff...
n sunday... haix.. got a complimentary $40 ticket for the AHS concert @ esplanade frm mrs goh. n since my monday is already taken up by the PUB outing... i left only the precious sunday to do evryting.. but now the esplanade concert... haix... headache... ah wadeva...


i'm getting v attitude'd these few days.. coz i m so vexed easily frustrated... yup... juz dun feel good these days... =

tt's all for now... toodles.



i carn control it anymore. would u juz chain me up? thnx.
u insist tt tings can nv b the way they were. but Y? i want to noe y? wad's the reason behind it? n y r u not even giving me a chance to try? or issit me? m i not trying hard enuf?

i really dun understand u anymore. do u wan me outta ur life? or do u juz want me to step aside? wad's the rationale behind it? issit me? or issit u? i guess it's most probably me.

but i wanna say... i cared, n i still do care now. i hate it when u say sorry to me. u did nth wrong. it's always me at fault, n u r always tryin to take the blame. Y? y r u doin tis? i feel so guilty... guilty for life...

tings r goin so weird. i dun noe wad's happening exactly. could u juz tell me wad u haf "planned"? i feel so lost now. tings seem to b happening so randomly day aft day. i need to noe wad's happening. how r WE gonna b? wad do u wan US to b? i need ur answers. if u say u're not walking out on me, could u at least tell me if a simple connection would stay? i need the assurance.


there r just so many answers tt i need from u...


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


it may seem lyk nth.. but in the real world, it's something, n it's a BIG something. the discrimination, the humiliation n all tt unwanted attention.

shattered. the dreams are all shattered, never to b brought up agn. is tis an ending of a chapter? or juz the start of it? no matter wad it is, there r certain tings which i haf to let go... n it's not wad i wanna do... but i carn b selfish. the whole world does not revolve around me.


if only the chapters were written by me, myself...
i finally realise...

i m selfish. i m alwaes the obstacle n problem in others life. n as i c u walkin further away, the more i realise how i selfishly took tings for my liking. n NOW, it's all gone for good. y m i alwaes the cause of sadness? y m i always causing problems in others life? it's always me n MY fault. haix...

i must say... being different is not easy. esp in such a society, in such a network of frens... i'm tt piece of the puzzle tt belongs nowhere. yes!, it's hard to b me. where sum tings can only b within me n nowhere else. i wished i could explain all, but i juz cant. I JUZ CAN'T..
i mean lyk.. even if i explained it, u wouldn't understand. so wad's the pt.... juz 4get it.

n if u tink u're doin me help, tink agn! u're not ok. but wad more can i expect? i deserved tis... haix.. YES! i wan u to care. i wan u to b there. i wan u to listen n at least try to understand. u already noe my darkest secrets, n now u r walkin out on me... i guess tis is wad u call RETRIBUTION?.

as the tear roll down my cheek, i wished there was sum1 out there hu can truly understand...
the fault lies wif me all the time. here, there, everywhere. me... too emo. too drama. too disgusting. evryting too much. too much BAD attitude too i guess. 24hour round the clock self-deception too. damn me. a great liar in life i m. juz b frank wif me ppl. i noe i suck.
HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY AHS! x)

stomp so totally rocked i tell u'al. gosh.. all tt planing, those long rehearsals n training, all over in tt few minutes, which juz felt lyk a few seconds. oh man... it's juz so saddening... oh yea, we shud haf AHS stomp! x) it'll b cool. imagine orientation learning STOMP! woohoo! LOL.




CHAIRs... r scary 4-legged freaks... yuck! no more chair arranging for me man.. gosh it juz sucked i tell u. trust me, u'll hate it once u noe how it feels.


i'm so utterly disgusted n ashamed of myself. i dun haf the courage to face reality. i dun haf the courage to face u. i dun haf the courage to face the world. i dun even haf the courage to face the real me. i hate myself for not being able to accept facts. i LIE to myself n PRETEND so much. i guess tis is how u define sum1 hu sux. n yea, tt wuld definitely b me.
i wanna care, but i dun dare to, thus i hide it frm u.
i wanna speak, but i juz carn get myself to even look at u, thus i pretend i saw nth.
i wanna confess, but the courage is nv there, thus i cover it up wif jokes n lies.
such a jerk i m...


if only it could happen...
THE TRUTH.
it's interesting. it's EXCITING. fascinating too. coz it's not ur normal evryday ting. a spark to ur curiosity it may become.
but it's UGLY, n it HURTS me.

to AVOID?
avoid forever? tt's not possible. yes, i noe i shud face reality. but i CARN. i'm SORRY! i juz carn do it. blehx!

to FACE IT?
n suffer the PAINs, the discrimination, the disapprovals n the hatred? NO. i dun wan tt to happen. NEVER!!!


i WANT help. i NEED help.
GIVE IT TO ME!!!



all i want is understanding...
TELL ME...

issit FATE? or CHOICES tt i make?


either way, i already noe where i stand...




i will NEVER regret tis, i swear.
mine FOREVER? i HOPE so...

tell me... how shud one feel in a pair of boots tt r of the right size for his/her feet? hmm... tried size 8 boots. TOO BIG! size 5... my feet can wear em, but it feels a lil crammed in there.. x)

hmm.. i shall find 2 other pairs n try. 1 pair size 6, the other 7. yup... LOL. y m i makin such a big fuss outta a pair of boots!?!?!? LMAO.


almost half of the AH falcon scouts shud b at ngee ann now... hmm.. hope they r gonna enjoy the campfire... x) i feel so weird not to b with em... oops. =X
XD



it juz feels different now... sumhow.
goin Zzz Zzz Zzz during skl time these few days... oops... =X


so gonna flunk FLUNKED my chinese o level oral today. it juz sucked. dun ask how n why. thnx.




it's him, not her. gettit? oh juz forget it... blehx!
ok. no more hiding. i've decided to face reality.

to: the psn hu is emotionally affected by issues regarding my previous post.

guess i've wasted the chance u gave me. n u had to suffer in silence while i had fun. i never expected tis would affect u so much. but tis is no excuse for me receive ur forgiveness. in fact, i dun even deserve forgiveness. Time aft time, i haf been repeating those silly mistakes, repeating those childish acts, constantly affecting u.

mayb u will forgive me. but i doubt u will. i dun even deserve it anw. but nevertheless, i hafta apologise.

I'M SORRY FOR MAKIN U ANGRY
I'M SORRY FOR MAKIN U SAD
I'M SORRY FOR AFFECTING UR LIFE
I'M SORRY FOR BEING CHILDISH
I'M SORRY FOR BEING INSENSITIVE
I'M SORRY FOR WAD I HAVE DONE
I'M SORRY FOR WAD I HAVE SAID
I'M SORRY TT I TOOK TINGS FOR GRANTED
I'M SORRY TT TIS HAPPENED SO MANY TIMES

I'M SORRY FOR ALL I'VE DONE.
guess it's too late for me to b sorry. but i hope not.


i juz haf so many tings to tell u. so many tings to explain. so many tings to apologise abt. pls... let's tok, together, n settle our problems.



i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sincerely sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm truthfully sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. so sorry. my apologies.



strictly no comments pls. THNX.




undeniable...
WAHAHAHAz!!! i went to GLEN xiao di's HUGE HOUSE TODAY! XD

when i was outside his hse, it was raining, so i couldn't really look at the whole house frm the outside. BUT, when i entered, the very 1st ting already made my jaw drop. he actually needs n has a lift for his 3-storey hse! gosh... n thou his hse is not lavishly decorated, it was classy. n wif the fact tt it was HUGE n SPACIOUS, it juz made his hse so nice. n made me so JEALOUS. x) gosh.. he is 1 lucky ass... n a RICH 1 to b exact. wahahaz.

xiao di was so funny at home la. x) n i so ENJOYED my time there.... admiring his house, enjoying dinner there, havin fun wif xiao di being childish, n chattin wif him... wahahahaz.

it so totally rocked! yea! =DD



with passion n style! ;)
DANCE!!! =D

i'm lovin' it! x)

Your Inner Blood Type is AB!

Your personality is hard to define - you're very unconventional. And even if your personality could be defined, it would be completely different next week! Outgoing and shy, sensitive and thoughtless, you tend to have a very split personality. This makes you unpredictable. You can be a total angel - and a total devil. You are most compatible with: everyone! Famous Type AB's: Jackie Chan and Marilyn Monroe

You are 60% Virgo

Your Animal Personality

Your Power Animal: Eagle Animal You Were in a Past Life: Whale You are active, a challenger, and optimistic. Hard-working, you are always working towards a set goal.

You Are Sky Blue

Dreamy and creative, you the potential in everyone ... and everything! And while you strive to have an ideal life, you are pretty mellow about it. You know your time will come.

Your Quirk Factor: 45%

You're a pretty quirky person, but you're just normal enough to hide it. Congratulations - you've fooled other people into thinking you're just like them!

Your Emoticon Is Laughing

You've got a wicked sense of humor. You're everyone's favorite IM buddy... at least today!

You Are 44% Open Minded

You aren't exactly open minded, but you have been known to occasionally change your mind. You're tolerant enough to get along with others who are very different... But you may be quietly judgmental of things or people you think are wrong. You take your own values pretty seriously, and it would take a lot to change them.

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? It's important to you that your lover is very attractive. You like to have someone to show off. In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm. Break-ups can be painful for you, but you never show it. You hold your head high.

Your Lucky Underwear is Blue

You are caring and extroverted. You've made relationships your number one focus, and your lucky blue underwear can bring some balance to them. You thrive in one-on-one situations. You are a good listener and a natural born therapist. Sometimes you let the concerns of others become too important in your life, leading to stress and worry. If you want more balance, put on your blue underpants. They'll help you take care of yourself first.

Erotic Thriller

You've made your own rules in life - and sometimes that catches up with you. Winding a web of deceit comes naturally, and no one really knows the true you. Your best movie matches: Swimming Pool, Unfaithful, The Crush

can sum1 tell me if i made the right decisions? i need assurance. i need answers!


haf i taken a wrong path? should i b doing tis? m i doing the right ting?
i seriously need answers.



can u ans me?
1. LIFE can seldom b the way u wan it to b.
2. dun assume tings too much.
3. face reality. sum tings can NEVER happen.
4. NEVER take tings for granted.
5. dun b selfish. spare a thot for others too.


=)



&...
yongquan wants to kill junle.

guess i haf no reason to oppose it. =\
it's my fault. i caused misunderstandings. i caused tings to b bad. i caused u to b unhappy. i caused my own life to turn bad. guess i shud b the 1 patching tings up. i shud really pluck up tt courage n face myself.

i'm sorry i brought so much trouble to u. my sincere apologies.
pls... dun b sorry for wad u've done. i NEVER wanted u to feel so bad. ok.. alrite.. mayb i wanted u to realize ur own actions initially. but i NEVER, n i swear, i NEVER wanted to make u feel so bad. i only wantED u to realize tt i actually felt jealous, but aft tinkin thru, i noe i was juz being dumb. it was juz to express my emotions then.

i noe, for now, tt i was stupid. expecting tt tings wuld turn out MY way. i assumed tings. i expected IMPOSSIBLE tings to happen. i wanted my life to b my story. i dragged u into it. i shud b the 1 sayin sorry, not U.

i'm not sure if i shud b typing tis out. right or wrong, i dun care no more. it's a confession i will make. honestly, i haf wanted to establish tt sort of relationship wif u. tt's y i was jealous. tt's y i felt pissed when i read ur entry. yea, i assumed tings. i assumed tt u wouldn't mind, n u had the same mindset. lyk FREAK me. i din even find out if u were willing to. i din confirm anyting. i didn't make the effort at all. so pls... dun feel guilty at all. it's seriously MY fault. i dun wan u to b affected in any way. so pls, do me a favour, dun b sorry.


i'm mentally prepared now. i wuldn't mind tokkin to u abt tis matter openly, n mayb we could clarify certain tings. i'll b waiting...



no comments pls. thnx.
did sum tests... got hooked on it... got carried away... XD

You Are 28% Abnormal

You are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul. You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at low risk for having a social phobia. It is unlikely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

Your Brain is 60% Female, 40% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female. You are both sensitive and savvy. Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed. But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

Your IQ Is 90

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Average Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Below Average

You Are 48% Selfish

You are quite balanced. You are able to compromise when it's in the best interests of those involved. But you're no pushover. If something is important to you, you'll get it!

Your Deadly Sins

Envy: 60%

Pride: 60%

Sloth: 60%

Greed: 40%

Lust: 40%

Gluttony: 20%

Wrath: 20%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 43%

You will die a boring death. While dying, you will be jealous of those who die dramatic deaths.

Your Kissing Purity Score: 74% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

You Are 24% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well. In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

You're a Free Love Kisser

Of all the kissing types, you've racked up the most experience. Kissing is no big deal to you - you'll kiss anyone you find hot! It's easy for you to take the plunge and make the first move. And you don't really consider kissing to be cheating!

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

ok... tt so wasted my time. gosh... but it was fun... LoL x)



i'll carry on being stupid. i'm willing...
ok... n so i changed my blogskin. i mean.. lyk DUH.. it's so obvious rite. gosh!


i'm PISSED over certain issues now. PERSONAL issues tt is... sorta stiu moodswinging. dunno how i shud feel exactly. dumb me.

today... rottin the whole day. woke up at 2++ pm... had lunch n started decomposing in front of my comp since then... i mean lyk... i suck... yea. blehx!


ok... wadeva. i feel so RANDOM. ok.. mayb not random.. but more of mixed-up. CONFUSED mayb? different emotions n feelings juz keep rushin into me. gotta type tis out b4 a new emotion fills me agn. ok.. no... gotta end it.. b4 i type out tings which i shudn't. yep.



it's my own fault. i'll blame myself.
moodswinging. split personality. ERGH! f***ed up shit.

i hate u. i carn stand the way u go ard "hookin" ppl, enjoyin urself. lyk wad the shit! damn u. ok.. sorry if i'm too harsh. but well... TOO BAD! i'm human too u noe. i haf feelings.. i experience jealousy too ok. blehx!!! i hate u!

haix... guess i shud not b sayin abt u.. i bet i wuld do the same ting as u if i had the chance too. damn u junle. how can u b so selfish n restrict others frm enjoyin themselves. n it's lyk total shit. u wuld do the same ting too. RAR! junle u SELFISH ASSHOLE!

erm... yea. so i m selfish. not only selfish, but oso immature. i noe it wuld b impossible for our close relation to last, due to our differences... guess i was deceiving myself n gettin u involved in tis. i'm sorry. it's not lyk i OWN u. u haf ur own life n i haf absolutely to rights to interfere. sorry. junle, u r such a F'ed up piece o' shit. i hate myself.

carn u look out for my feelings too, u bloody ass.
y m i being so selfish? tryin to control others life. asshole me.
hmm... immature, dumb n stupid to deceive myself. n getting u invoved. shit me!

enjoy ur life. do wad u wan. ignore me, seriously. i'm juz a f'ed up piece of shit tt will ruin ur life.


i haf been deceiving myself all tis while. none of it will happen. none of it will last. i haf been so stupid. but now, even thou i noe tis, i m stiu unable to face reality. i dun wan reality. 1 side of my mind tells me to face reality. but the other juz refuses to. ergh!


NO COMMENTS PLS. thank u



to suffer the reality? or to enjoy the deceit?